“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I would move hell over six inches for you
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.