TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.