This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”