I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Boom, boom, ching!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.