I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY