HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol