I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
You wish you had this many chins.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.