Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.