Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?