Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!