It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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hackers play passwordle
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.