It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting