Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied