ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
this is so top tier i cant
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘