Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”