dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Matt Goss
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My biological clock is wheezing.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?