If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?