Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
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I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
💻🤡
Print is alive and well!!!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.