ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.