*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.