Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*