“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?