dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.