It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
step 6: release the wall snake
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I cannot call her anything else now
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!