This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
decorating my apartment
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”