It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing