Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.