COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
why isn’t he texting back
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”