Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?