Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Baller is short for ballerina
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way