What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
For anyone who needs this today
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.