Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
oh shit
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.