Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself