Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
As the Lord intended
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Going to pronounce fecal like decal