People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.