My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
mood
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Great game to play with friends
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
We’re all getting idioter.