“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators