If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.