Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.