robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.