waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
PARKOUR
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
me opening up to someone
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Spotted in New Orleans.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”