Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You Might Also Like
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts