I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.