You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”