Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Pringles
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me recordaron éste meme
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.