I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Not today, today.
Not today.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own