*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
You Might Also Like
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti