Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
That’s it.I’m out.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out