I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah