As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Oh no
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
what’s more important?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?